It has been more than a year since my last entry. I've contemplated writing a new entry for the past few months, but nothing came to mind and I seemed to lack the motivation to write. Much time has passed and many changes have occurred. I feel as if I've grown much older and now carry with me a greater understanding of things that will only continue to grow as time moves on.

But it wasn't easy.

When I look at my last entry, I smile from the inside. At the time, I had gone through an extreme mess of things that caused me to retaliate and finally live life the way I wanted to, despite what others thought was best for me. I found a rare gem in my life and writing about it only makes me want to cry. It's one of those situations where you've gone through so much for the things you believe in that to look back fills you with pride and love for the decisions you've made.

My last entry was in the midst of a blessing in disguise. It was an absolutely TERRIBLE experience and yet, it made me so strong that it is hard to penetrate through my walls as a sensual artist. I'll try to keep this story short but so much was involved (things that you probably can't even imagine) that it will be hard.

I was contacted by a man through Model Mayhem who enjoyed the words on my profile at the time and wanted to get to know who I was as a person, as opposed to just a model for his project. When I spoke with him on the phone for two days, he was like a sending from God. He became a 'guru' and professed that he was more interested in my mentality as a human being and loved me for who I was. While this sounds cheesy, he wasn't the type to chant mantras or speak about 'one-ness' or spirituality. In fact, he loathed those types of perceptions. He was more like an intelligent psychologist who was more fully conscious of his actions and those of others.

At first, I thought he was absolutely wonderful and loving and I considered him as a 'guru with a punch', but when I got to meet him and spend a day with him, he quickly became the devil on wheels. He wanted to help me in my life and attempted to teach me his wisdom, but some things did not make sense and were often hypocritical so when I would question him, he would yell out anywhere from fifteen minutes to an hour (and I'm not exaggerating). He would claim that I was weak, skill-less, and wouldn't know my ass from a hole in the ground. He would take everything that I trusted and confided in him and throw it back at me as a slap in the face.

He would constantly say that models who do nudes didn't have the strength to keep their clothes on and only wanted attention. He would also make remarks about photographers and their voyeuristic ways for photographing nude women. And needless to say, he kept yelling out about how I was overweight (huh?). He would continue with his harsh words until he would finally calm down and exclaim that he still loved me just the way I was and that all he wanted to do was help me learn more skills in life.

What I am sharing with you right now doesn't even scratch the surface of what happened during those three days I was with him. I had to literally run away from him in order to see the bigger picture – he was a psychological manipulator, whether he knew it or not. And ironically, he has many individuals seeking his counsel! His phone rang off the hook and people kept stopping by to see how he was doing. He even put one model on the speaker so I could hear her and she would exclaim loudly how she missed him, loved him, and wanted to talk to him. I was so confused and wondered if I was just a failure at understanding his logic or if I was the only one who could see beyond his words. Don't get me wrong, the man certainly was a genius as a cold-reader and can definitely help you face yourself, but I couldn't help noticing how much he loved hearing people say that they wanted him. It was like it gave him eternal life as he would smile, place a hand on his arm, lift up his eyes, and say things like, "You should be excited to hear my voice. You should want to say, 'Yes, sir. Please tell me more.' You should be wet from hearing me and can't wait for me to give you more life skills." Etc, etc, etc. Of course, this is a paraphrase but the basic concept is there. And like I said, people REALLY WERE excited to hear from him…except me.

And just to add a key component to this equation, he wasn't like the average man – he was born a misshapen man and was confined to a life on a wheelchair…

Think about it. And I really mean, THINK about it.


His words caused me to think deeply about my work as an artistic nude model and sensual woman. Just why did I model in the nude? I thought about it for a long time and looked deep within myself, with all kidding aside. As I got deeper and deeper, I realized that my pride had more to do with it than what he dismissed as 'showing off' or 'wanting attention'. Yes, I do want attention but it's not for the reasons he so easily bestowed upon me.

The reason why I choose to model in the nude is because I want to show that I am not afraid. I am not afraid to look in the mirror and see every imperfection, scar, or mole. Nor am I afraid to show this to others. I want them to feel inspired and know that it is okay to love ourselves, both inside and out, regardless of what age we are in. Ugly, pretty, old, young, big, skinny – art has no limitations!

I want to feel like a goddess, a desirable woman, a nymph, a muse, and a strong respected woman. Funny enough, I never understood why the gentleman above kept saying how nude models didn't have the strength to keep their clothes on…but what about the strength to take them OFF? It requires a lot of self-awareness and esteem to allow someone else to take photos of you in the nude. He dismissed it as something 'easy to do'…but while it may have been easy for him, it's difficult for many others. Why else would there be such a big controversy over the nude?

Alas, I find myself loving life now while doing exactly what it is that I choose to do. After the experience with the man, I retaliated with everyone and pursued my own happiness in life instead of following the 'norm'. I've continued my work as a model and have begun experimenting with photography. My official 'work' is not on display in MM but what is there are actually just 'tests'. I think my actual artwork will hit a little closer to home…you will someday see what I mean…

And just to step on some toes, for those of you who have read my past blogs about having pride as a nude model and then whispered behind to others, "What is her problem? Why does she write like that?", all I can do is roll my eyes. Situations like the gentleman above are why I write these things about having strength and pride as an artistic nude model.

I am one of the many people defending your sensuality and your freedom to choose. Recognize it.